breastfeeding- home and on...

remember how i shared how my complications worsened once i got home?  well, in the midst of all that, i still BF as much as i could.  mostly, football style.  

never did the thought enter my mind to stop.  i couldn't.  i had two little girls who were fighting for their lives, and i needed to do all that i could to protect them.  i had already  had many pregnancy complications, as well as postpartum complications, and  they needed that perfectly good milk that formula could never give them... the nutrients that only breast milk gives. 

when babies stay in the NICU, they have to pass a good amount of tests in order to be discharged... one, being good eating.  my girls were great in every other area... except that.  so, i needed to do it for them.  never did my mind waver in that "this is too hard" or "my body can't take this anymore" or "i'll never have enough milk for them" or "i give up... i only want to do formula."

i BF/pumped as much as i could.  not exclusively.  BF/pumped as much as i could.  i didn't know the tips that i know now.  i remember that i'd have to wake up early in the morning, take a shower, get ready for my nurse to come and pack my wound (remember when i wrote about that?), and make sure that i fed/pumped for the girls before.  i had help then... for the first few weeks with my family in town, and my sister stayed until they were almost three weeks.  
then, i was on my own.  i was terrified.  

how in the world am i going to do this on my own? how am i going to feed them bottles simultaneously?

i cried when my sister left.  

i mean, when you BF twins, maybe it's just me, but... you need someone else to help you and get started... they're already so fragile, and you need to be careful how you position them.  it's really hard to not "bobble" that small doll-size head that's ever so precious.  also, when you BF twins, it takes up a lot of your time.  a lot of your day.  you need to be prepared for that.  YOUR MAIN PRIORITY is to feed your children.  they need nutrition.  nobody else can substitute for that.

so, when my sister left, i was overwhelmed... i mean, every morning she was here, she'd come into my room and take a baby (lay with her, change her, or feed her) while i took care of the other.  she brought me breakfast because, at the beginning, i was often barricaded in my room until noon every day when my husband was at work.  i should go more into that later. :) and, what would i spend my time doing?  BFing or pumping!  obviously, not uploading photos on FB as i fell behind on that and have only recently been able to catch up... :)

i was nervous how i was going to do it on my own.  so, i cried.  i mean, at this point, i was only able to do 50/50% (breastmilk 3-4 oz. per pumping feeding and formula). every time the girls were hungry and i was "out of milk," meaning i had just fed them (not pumped, mind you, will explain later), i'd watch depressingly as my family members would go make up a bottle or heat one up.  it made me that much more driven to BF/pump exclusively.  every bottle i saw then make made me want it so much more.  i knew that it was better for them... but, how?!  i hated that they were getting formula, but what could i do about it?  they needed what i was unable to give at that time.  there had to be a way, though, right? 

i wanted to do 100% BM.  i remember going to the second pediatric appointment (my first with them because remember i was in the hospital?), and the pediatrican (we've since changed for obvious reasons) callously answered me, "i've never seen a mom go past three months BFing twins."  

how insensitive.  you are a jerk.  way to blow the wind out of my sails!

but, i kept reading about twins' moms having "enough" milk for both... or reading that you can truly make enough milk to feed your children.  i wanted that, and didn't know how.  i kept trying to make my milk meanwhile... until i started asking people around when the babies were six weeks...

i learned of another lactation consultant to visit (didn't i see all of you in the hospital?), but didn't want to pay $90 for an office visit (can you imagine ME taking two babies in THEIR carseats to HER HOME office for a "consultation" as she watches me BF twins in a chair?!  AWKWARD!!!) or $160 for a home visit?!  jeez.  rob you! 

so, i started to do my own research…